stasis report

[reverancepavane]

I awoke this morning, at the Hour of the Wolf, to the moaning of the slough [1] outside my window, whilst a large shadowy hooded figure with a jagged mouth and mournful eyes loomed over my bed. I have to admit that for a moment I was actually quite impressed. Of course, the shadow was cast by an inauspiciously placed glass bottle, and while the wind was moaning outside my window, I really have my doubts it was the slough, although I have to admit I have yet to check to make sure (of course, as this is the correct response if they are really the slough out there, I seem to have inadvertedly hedged my bets). Still, if one may be permitted to reiterate (not to mention alliterate), it was an ominous omen. I did a really bad thing on Tuesday (which kind of goes some way into making up for all the good things I did on Tuesday), but then as I did all the good things to other people and the bad thing to myself I suppose there is some sort of karmic balance in that. [2] Anyway, due to the normal apathy indemic to a group of friends that goes and sees movies on Tuesday nights, I was left with a hole in my schedule. So I dropped by the Rennaissance dance class and danced with some beautiful young women (and some handsome young men) and, more importantly teased the dance mistress unmercifully, just like old times (even those times when I was teaching dance I used to tease myself mercilessly, so there is a tradition to be upheld). Unfortuneately it is no longer old times. I should mention at this point that my body, foolish thing that it is, actually trusts me quite a lot more than it should. After years and years of meditation, bio-feedback training, and martial arts, it is very easy for us to control our pain response quite well. And I had already set up the pain blocks so I could do stuff that afternoon. And so I danced and had a great time. Unfortuneately pain is there to tell us we are doing a bad thing, and the immediate physiological stress to the body isn't blocked by these mental techniques. So when I took down the pain blocks later that night I was racked by incredible excrutiating pain (the arthritic damage to my body from the disease tends to be concentrated at the extremities - the hands and feet - I believe the most bones in the human body are in the feet, and, believe me, I felt every one of them). I then tried to make it worse by doing stuff the next day (half off my head on my own brain's neopiates as it tried to relieve the pain). Anyway by Thursday my body gave up and forced me to sleep most of the day (as point of fact my greatest and most satisfying accomplishment of the day was to open a can - it took nearly an hour, not to mention the three hours it took to reach the can). Now all I have to do is convince myself not to forget the pain and the massive amount of work-trouble that this caused [3] and not do it again. Even if it was great fun to dance the San-Serif again. Although I do think the College will do well this year judging by the newbies, which is always a good thing. One shouldn't think overmuch during the Hour of the Wolf. One nice thing about electronic media such as live-journal is that it is inherently revisionist and I feel the need to do some revision of the past. [<grin> I can hear Robyn reaching 10,000 rpm as I say that. <sadness>] I hope nobody will have minded that I have deleted a few orphan comments that I have made around the place. They are just hanging in the infosphere like untaken bait (many of which they effectively are) and I feel the need to streamline myself as I prepare for the plunge back into the stygian depths that I now call my home. Eradicate the trailing streamers, metaphorically speaking, of course. And speaking of metaphors, the Wolf has gone from the door (and taken two of her three cubs as well [4]), and now that I am up I might as well go and brave the slough (who have wisely shut up given my imminent appearance) and go do some work, feed some bureaucrats some paper, look for an engagement gift [5], and actually post this on line. [1] The slough are the celtic restless dead doomed to wander the winds, lost and homeless. [2] Although, personally, I would prefer a more Egyptian approach to the weighing of my deeds, since that would merely require that my heart be lighter than a feather. Of course, since a feather is also the hieroglyph for Truth, a rarer and rarer commodity in these forlorn days, I'm beginning to have my doubts of anyone's ability to succeed at that trial anymore. [3] It's been more and more difficult to maintain the level of work I should be doing and my samurai-ethics are exceedingly upset about this. Which stresses me more which hypes the disease which... <sigh> EDIT: It may not be just the dancing. My fatigue levels need to be seen to be believed. I think I need 12-16 hours of sleep a night at the moment. [4] The last is currently curled up on a pillow in my spare room dreaming of chasing mice whilst attempting to digest it's own weight in chopped liver. I like wolves. Why should anyone be scared of one coming to door? [5] After five years of procrastination they discovered they could only give us two weeks warning of their engagement party. No consideration! Also I've no idea what to give them ... they are one of the search until you find something kitsch couples, I'm afraid. "Bugger."

Comments

[kriste]

[3] It's been more and more difficult to maintain the level of work I should be doing and my samurai-ethics are exceedingly upset about this. Which stresses me more which hypes the disease which... EDIT: It may not be just the dancing. My fatigue levels need to be seen to be believed. I think I need 12-16 hours of sleep a night at the moment

Don't overdo it - I have now had three people I know come down with serious stress due to work. The amount that is required in many jobs now is unrealistic - so you are probably doing (or more) what you actually should, vs less than you _think_ you should. Do not fall into this trap. Or else. I know it is easier said than done - there are very few people now it seems who have a professional attitude to getting a job done properly, which puts more pressure on the few that do - but health and wellbeing must come first. The more I see of what can happen if you ignore it, the more strongly I feel about it.

[alexwinolj.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's difficult to draw a line between "what should be done" and "what _I_ should do". The temptation to pick up the slack left by others' incompetence is large. I have had to learn self-preservation the hard way (and am still learning). It's good to save the world, but it doesn't work if you begin by killing yourself. (Well, perhaps it does within Reverance Pavane's belief system, but I persist in arguing :-P )

[reverancepavane.livejournal.com]

I agree it doesn't. The situations where I am able to sacrifice myself are quite well defined (which is rather worrisome to my GP as she doesn't think that anyone should have given any thought to how/when they would voluntarily die, but I argue that since I know the parameters where my death is possible I am less likely to choose to die in a lesser situation, such as if I hurt too much or am depressed). Oh and if you are interested, it somewhat parallels the Minbari third principle of sentience: "The third principle of sentient life is its capacity for self-sacrifice. For a cause, a loved one, for a friend." And jobs, even interesting ones, aren't causes, and I'm not sure I have any of the other two. <grin> [That was a very bad joke, btw.] I'm just upset that it's affecting my performance so badly at the moment. I had an independant examination and the doctor's comment was "You are one sick individual." Because of the gradual decline in health I, and most of my normal doctors, were not as cogniscent of the decay, especially since I compensate for the things I can't do anymore by not doing them. And the others are competent. It's my competence I'm worried about.

[kriste]

Well if the others are competent, then they should a. be able to compensate for you in your time of need, just as you would for them and b. fully understand that you need some rest to perform to the best of your current capacity and that this will not improve, but only decline without such rest.

*hughughughughug* I hope at least the thought behind that helps :/

[reverancepavane.livejournal.com]

*hughughughughug* I hope at least the thought behind that helps :/ Always.

[kriste]

good. then have some more.
*hughughughughughughughughughughughughughughughughughughughughughug*
all lovingly hand-typed for your continued pleasure

[reverancepavane.livejournal.com]

WARNING: You have reached critical hug mass. You have nine minutes to reach minimum safe distance.

[reverancepavane.livejournal.com]

The Nile is not just a river in Egypt. I'm just not used to being this ill, especially since my health took a rapid nose-dive last year. My rheumatologist assures me that I'll eventually regain that lost capacity, but I have yet to adjust to it. As I said, my body foolishly trusts me, and thinks I know what I'm doing, whereas I'm trying teach it to start complaining before it reaches a state of total systemic overload. Then again five of the nine medications I'm on have the warning that they can cause "drowsiness, dizziness, and fatigue," which no doubt complicates the issue. At least I haven't collapsed at dinner like one of my bosses did (no hafflat, not that one). Besides, work is good. the problems are interesting and take my mind off my problems.

[freyaw.livejournal.com]

Ow ow ow ow ow.

((((((((Hugs))))))))

Sit down dammit!

[reverancepavane.livejournal.com]

The annoying thing is the dances were, in the main, not that energetic. <grimace> It does means I'm going to have to ensure that nobody expects me to do any work for a day or so after the next Spiral Dance gig, though. <grin> And while these things do hurt, they also reinvigorate my spirit which has been at considerable risk lately. The hugs, especially the RL ones, help a lot though.