back in thirty, or it's free

You may realise you're in trouble when the first thing you see is a heavily-bearded gentleman, bible in hand, emerging from the veritable jungle surrounding a deserted house, quoting scripture at you with a holy glint in his eyes. Either that, or you are watching Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter ... and you still may be in trouble. Now this is a film that is almost impossible to explain. Is it a comedy? Obviously. Is it a vampire movie? Certainly. Is it a martial arts film? Of course. Is it a musical? Well, yes. It even has dance routines. Is it a lesbian awareness film? Probably. Is it a homage to the 70's blacksploitation films? Maybe. Does it include the arrival of a famous masked luchadore to be J.C.'s sidekick? A clown car of evil athiests? Beautiful vinyl-clad women riding motorbikes? Beautiful spandex-clad women doing dance routines? Not-so-beautiful transvestites rescueing our hero? A Star Wars scat featuring Hans Solo and Chewbacca? A bowl of talking cherry icecream? An evil doctor? Sexy vampires? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. As you may have gathered this is a rather bad movie by any measure, but it is so bad it actually becomes watchable. Very much an amateur production by a group of Ottowans having lots of fun and shooting a vampire movie on the cheap (apparently it was shot on weekends over the course of two years). As for plot, well the Church has discovered that someone is killing the lesbian community ("Fringe Festival in Danger"). Their only hope is to summon Our Lord to battle the horde of atheists, vampires, and their allies. In this he is aided by his new Apostle, Mary Magnum, and El Santos, the Saint of the Wrestling Ring. And so follows the Kung Fu havoc. My only problem with this film is that in some of the action scenes the actors didn't quite hit their marks, and so you could see the secret of stunt-fighting (the camera does not allow a depth of field). That aside, I don't think they duplicated a single martial arts move in the entire movie (against a not inconsiderable horde of attackers). Admittedly the choice of weapons at times was rather strange (such as the evil doctor resorting to "kidney punches"). I don't think I'd encourage someone to see it, but if you appreciate good bad cinema, you might consider it. And in what other film could you hear Dr Praetorius say "We are running low on skin. Go harvest a few lesbians."